Day 6

Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

I almost forgot about this. :) I'm not even sure I can reach 30.

1. I've been on TV a total of 9 times. That's whole 30 minute segments, not just flashes of me. Haha. If we include the glimpses of me, well, I'm up to 10. :)

2. All of my savings came from my game show winnings. That's because I don't know how to save with just my salary.

3. I've won a total of Php 140,000 from my game show stints. :)

4. I chose my course in college without any idea as to what it really was.

5. The only class I didn't maximize my cuts in was Philo 104 -- and that's because I had a crush on both my seatmates. :)

6. I have a planner collection. I've been using planners since first year college, and I haven't stopped since. I bring my planner everywhere. It has been to every place I've been to.

7. I know of three people named Leonila Villegas -- me, my lola, and some kid in Laguna who died. My friend saw and took a picture of the grave marker of a kid named Leonila Villegas.

8. I am afraid of boats and ships and all water vehicles. I blame the Philippine Navy/Coast Guard/whoever checks ships in the Philippines for this.

9. I spend my free time checking the rates for plane trips to wherever.

10. I've only started learning how to cook recently. In 2010, to be exact. I still don't cook regularly, but I can make food for myself if the situation calls for it.

11. I'm the most kaladkarin person I know. I rarely say No to anything.

12. Once I kidnapped a friend and brought him to Cebu. I just bought him a ticket without his knowledge, so he was sort of forced to go with me. Hahaha.

13. I have a dog named Pepito Nero, who thinks he's human.

14. I gained 40 pounds since I started working. That's in around 2 years.

15. I have a car named Krizzy (who has heard all the secrets of all my friends), a laptop named Spartaaaaah, and an Itouch named Mundae. My camera is named Kimi, and my lomo camera's name is Ivory. Suffice it to say, I name all my gadgets. :)

..okay. That's all I can do for now. :)

49 days.

People say it takes 21 days to form a habit. Well, if I follow that, then yes, I've formed the habit of not talking to him. 49 days. One day shy of 50.

It was a very, very, VERY, challenging 49 days. It was 49 days of me going crazy because I knew I was stopping myself from doing something I like doing, and 49 days of me pretending nothing's wrong while desperately looking for something to replace him with. It was 49 days of anger, sadness, melancholy, happiness, and withdrawal.

The 49 days ended because he talked to me yesterday. Yesterday when I realized I shouldn't be running away from him, he finally got a hold of me. When he did, I didn't want him to let go anymore, but I knew I should just walk away.

And so I did.

I walked away with my head held high, thinking to myself, "Fuck, I miss him. But I can't do this again."

It was the best 10 minutes in all those 49 days, but it needed to end there, and so it will end there. I left counting again, and today is again Day 1.

Because I have Nothing Better to do

While waiting for my appointment, I will blog. I'm supposed to be finishing this 9 page questionnaire for something that I joined, but I'm too distracted to answer the questions. Add to the fact that the questionnaire is poorly formatted, well, you can't blame me for being too lazy to finish it.

Its 4:10pm and I'm here in Serendra, hanging out by myself. This is something I used to do but haven't done in a long time. I am tempted to write in that questionnaire under hobbies and interests, "watching people," but thought otherwise. I can't have them think I'm a psycho, right?

4:12 now, I just saw this girl in platform boots who can no longer walk. Hahaha. She's now clinging to her mother, while taking little steps in her boots. I find it funny how people buy shoes that they can't walk in. I used to do it, but now that I'm older, I stopped. Comfort over style. Poor girl, I'm sure she thought about her outfit today for days, only to be hampered by the one stylish thing in her outfit.

4:15. I just lit a cigarette. Probably my last until I get back from the salon. On the table beside mine is one of my old batchmates from CSA. Oh how I hate awkward conversations, especially the "pretend I'm happy to see you again" type. Told her that but of course it wasn't true. I never really liked her in high school, really.

4:20. I don't get why people would go to Serendra just to sit around the fountains. Have they got nothing better to do?

Okay, now I have to go to my appointment. I'll write a more meaningful entry when I get back. :)

Giving Thanks

Today I'll write about the things I am most thankful for. I realize since I've been on this whole moving on thing, I've just been very surly and cranky at everyone and everything. Admittedly, now is not a good time in my life. Everyday is a struggle, like I have to make myself believe that I'm better off without him (which I know is really true, but of course, the still smitten Leigh would say otherwise), to help me get through the hours.

Anyway, I thought I'd try and reinforce positive vibes in my life right now, thus, I'm writing down the things that I'm most thankful for.

I'm thankful for..

• Life, because waking up each day is such a blessing. And I know I'd appreciate it more if I learn to start looking at things half full instead of half empty.
  
• Family, because when you're down there, all you want is a hug from someone whom you know will love you unconditionally.
• Work, because its the perfect distraction.
• Manila, because there's always something happening somewhere, and if you want to distract yourself, this helps a lot. :)
• Friends, because they make things a lot easier. They're the family that you choose.
  

Well, basically that's it. Generic, I know. But these things make me realize again and again that things will get better soon, and that's what gets me through everyday. :)

Same Ground

The first weekend of my moving on has been somewhat successful. The highlight of which was my friends deleting and removing everything related to him on my phone and in my car. Now I don't even have his number. All our photos on my phone are gone, and all our keepsakes in my car are gone.

It felt like being gutted, but I know I needed it. I had been thinking of keeping in storage everything that reminded me of him, but I couldn't muster up enough courage to do so. In a way, it was tough love; them doing for me something that I couldn't do for myself. I love my friends, really. They know what I need even if I don't say it.

Next challenge is tomorrow. Can I survive a whole day without talking to him? Lord, help me, please. And please help me shut out all our memories from my mind. :(

My love, it's been a long time since I cried and left you out of the blue
It's hard leaving you that way when I never wanted to

Self denial is a game it's strange I never would've wanted 'til there was you
'Cause I have learned that love is beyond what human can imagine,
The more it clears
The more I gotta let you go

'Cause what I don't understand
Is why I'm feeling so bad now
When I know it was my idea
I could've just denied the truth and lied
And why am I the only one standing stranded on the same ground

(Same Ground - Kitchie Nadal)

Moving On

This is me making the conscious decision to move on.

I know I've said this countless times. Its getting humiliating how each time I'd say it, I end up regressing and going back to him. But I cannot stress right now how much I'd like to get it over with and get back to how I used to be before I even knew he existed.

But how to move on?

I wish there was a manual, like a guide of what to do to get over someone. But then that would be stupid of me even consider that there was one. This is something I have to get through by myself, my own way.

First step on my list is to reconnect with my friends. As what Kat told me, they didn't disappear; it was me who was not able to give them proper attention because I was preoccupied. So there, I will try to do this properly.

Friends, I need your help. :) He's moved on already, I know. I can't be left here still wishing that we'd go back to how we used to be. I need to move on. Help me do this for myself.

Mabuhay, from Naga!

Oh yeah, because I'm the jet setter that I am (as if!) I just spent two days in Manila, and here I am again, somewhere else. This time was for work though, but since we're done, its vacation time for us. :) Yay!

Cebu was great, made me want to consider living there permanently. It has that small town charm and at the same time, it has the same hustle and bustle that Manila has, but only to a smaller degree. Plus, the fact that the closest beach is like around 20 minutes away helps a lot. :)

What I love best about my vacation was that even though it was very unfamiliar, I really appreciated the feeling of family that this vacation gave me. I'm not very close to my relatives, but this time, it felt like I belonged, like I was part of them. Funny, my biggest realization was that I think I got most of my traits from the Bartolata side and I could see bits and of pieces of them in me. It also made me miss my mom a lot more.

Anyway, I'll do days 4 and 5 since its been quite a while since I blogged --

Day 4 - Your views on religion

Despite being raised in a Catholic setting, I don't believe in religion as much as most people do. I don't consider myself an agnostic; I understand the need for it and I understand that it could be helpful. However, I believe that most of it is symbolic and people take it too seriously for their own good. I believe in FAITH. I believe in God and His power, but i also believe that each person should be given the opportunity to exercise his or her beliefs whichever way he/she wants to, just like how the earlier Christians figured out their interpretation of the Word of God.

Whew. I miss writing papers for class. :)

Day 5 - A time you thought about ending your own life

Honestly? It always crosses my mind, especially now that I'm going through a lot. I'll leave it at that.