The coming weeks will no doubt be one of those times in my life that I will remember for the rest of my life. The succeeding blog entries will be about my journey to losing weight and to living a healthier life. :)
I'm in a situation where in failure is not an option. I have to lose weight because the pressure of the whole Philippines is on my shoulders. That's all I can say right about now.
This week has been perhaps one of the most challenging weeks I've ever had. Everything's starting to change again, and I'm caught in between excitement and fear. I'm scared because I don't know what's ahead of me, what and how much I'll have to do, and how much pain I'm gonna have to endure. I'm excited for the outcome, of course.
I had a very intense workout from Tuesday to Saturday (May 3 - 7) this week. That's 5 days of me working out 6 hours a day. Add to that the 2 hours I spent working out on Monday... well, that's why I haven't been going out recently. All I do now is go to the gym, and go home and sleep. My body really isn't ready for that kind of physical activity, and for me to go out, well, I just physically couldn't anymore. My whole body aches like hell, and to stand or go up the stairs makes me wince out of pain. My muscles are sore, but when I'm in the gym, I have to pretend that I'm okay so that I won't get labeled as someone who complains a lot.
Aside from that, my diet has also taken a 180 degree turn. I can no longer eat the things that I want to eat. Unhappy food, that's all I've been eating. Nothing fried, no meat, just fish, chicken, wheat bread, vegetables and fruits. That's it!
I understand that the first couple of weeks is always the hardest, so I'm glad I'm done with week one. I hope I start getting used to this kind of regimen at the soonest. :)
Weight loss as of May 6: 5.2 lbs
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Day 7
Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
I am bored and lazy to write, so just read this. Apart from the fact that when I Googled "libra characteristics female," this was the first website that website that came up, well, its a very apt description of a Libra woman.
I am around 95% of the description in the link above. The only thing I didn't agree with was about Libra women being neat. I am not. Obviously.
I am bored and lazy to write, so just read this. Apart from the fact that when I Googled "libra characteristics female," this was the first website that website that came up, well, its a very apt description of a Libra woman.
I am around 95% of the description in the link above. The only thing I didn't agree with was about Libra women being neat. I am not. Obviously.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Lenten Reflection
Today is Good Friday, a.k.a the most boring day of the year, for a non-practicing person like me. The Lenten season has no meaning for me, aside from the idea of it being two days of rest (yay!) But then since I'm unemployed (officially, I now am. My 30 day resignation notice expires today.) Maundy Thursday and Good Friday has considerably less meaning.
We were Catholic growing up, but even though we were Catholic, we were never the type to participate in Catholic traditions. My parents chose to honor the Holy Week at home, doing nothing. Now that we're no longer Catholic, well, the Holy Week and Lent have less of a significance.
Don't get me wrong - I believe in God and Jesus and everything else. Its just that personally, I prefer celebrating my faith in Him in my own way. I never really got the point of all the sacraments, rituals and symbols. I believe that everyone has their own unique way of professing faith, and ultimately, we are judged by what is in our hearts. People will disagree with me, but hey, to each his own. :)
Today my sister and I went to High Street to hangout (You'd be surprised at how many shops and restaurants are open!) and unexpectedly, we ended up doing the Stations of the Cross there. Papa and I did it last year, and it still had the same effect on me.
It was a very refreshing experience. We've all known the story of the Crucifixion since we were 6, thanks to the 13 years of Christian Living classes and 4 years of Theology in college, but have we ever stopped to think about how it connects to us, the people living now in 2011? In one fleeting moment, probably, yes. But most likely, its something we don't really think about. Heck, I'd rather think of my own (lack of) lovelife.
And so now, I'm in a reflecting mood, thus this blog entry. I hate to sound all preachy, but you know what, I have so many things to thank God for. Number one is a big thank you to God for allowing Jesus to die for humanity. Many people take their lives for granted, have little appreciation for themselves and are insecure. We forget to think of the fact that someone died for us to live. Someone loved me enough to endure all that pain and suffering. That in itself is a thought that should get us through all the 360+ days in a year. Jesus had trust in us that we could be better people, and maybe its time to prove him right.
I have so much more to thank God for, and if you know me well enough, you probably know what I'm pointing at. I think He deserves more from me, and this is my wake up call. :)
And oh, thank you to those that made the Stations of the Cross in High Street. I think its called Walkway: Reflections on the Stations of the Cross (yes, I did research!) Great initiative! :)
We were Catholic growing up, but even though we were Catholic, we were never the type to participate in Catholic traditions. My parents chose to honor the Holy Week at home, doing nothing. Now that we're no longer Catholic, well, the Holy Week and Lent have less of a significance.
Don't get me wrong - I believe in God and Jesus and everything else. Its just that personally, I prefer celebrating my faith in Him in my own way. I never really got the point of all the sacraments, rituals and symbols. I believe that everyone has their own unique way of professing faith, and ultimately, we are judged by what is in our hearts. People will disagree with me, but hey, to each his own. :)
Today my sister and I went to High Street to hangout (You'd be surprised at how many shops and restaurants are open!) and unexpectedly, we ended up doing the Stations of the Cross there. Papa and I did it last year, and it still had the same effect on me.
It was a very refreshing experience. We've all known the story of the Crucifixion since we were 6, thanks to the 13 years of Christian Living classes and 4 years of Theology in college, but have we ever stopped to think about how it connects to us, the people living now in 2011? In one fleeting moment, probably, yes. But most likely, its something we don't really think about. Heck, I'd rather think of my own (lack of) lovelife.
And so now, I'm in a reflecting mood, thus this blog entry. I hate to sound all preachy, but you know what, I have so many things to thank God for. Number one is a big thank you to God for allowing Jesus to die for humanity. Many people take their lives for granted, have little appreciation for themselves and are insecure. We forget to think of the fact that someone died for us to live. Someone loved me enough to endure all that pain and suffering. That in itself is a thought that should get us through all the 360+ days in a year. Jesus had trust in us that we could be better people, and maybe its time to prove him right.
I have so much more to thank God for, and if you know me well enough, you probably know what I'm pointing at. I think He deserves more from me, and this is my wake up call. :)
And oh, thank you to those that made the Stations of the Cross in High Street. I think its called Walkway: Reflections on the Stations of the Cross (yes, I did research!) Great initiative! :)
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Word Vomit
I'll write in bullets because right now, writing a coherent blog entry is the last thing on my mind. I am writing for memory's sake, because I want to go back and read this and remember this time.
- Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I don't know how to feel. What used to be joy and anticipation, is now an emotion I could not describe.
- My mind is half preoccupied by the thoughts of him. Now that we're okay, and back to where we used to be, well, I don't want to leave his side. More thoughts in my mind, since I don't know what I'll be going back to. I'm still in limbo, but I'm happier. Is that even possible?
- What will I do if suddenly I don't make it to the actual thing?
- I'll miss my family. No matter how dysfunctional we are, I know missing them will be like having a body part missing.
- I'm scared I won't be myself after this.
- I want to remember Friday night - when he told me all those things. I know he loves me, and now I know it wasn't just me who was feeling that way. It was hard for him too, not having me there, in the same way that it was hard for me to leave his side. Apparently, we were sharing the same experiences unknowingly -- we were dreaming about each other, and we were both avoiding our old places/things. Two days isn't enough to compensate for the 4 months we were apart.
- I know, when I get back, he'll tell me the words I've been waiting for him to say.
- Thank you, God, for this opportunity. I don't know what I did for you to bless me like this, but thank you nevertheless. I will make you proud. I will make everyone proud. :)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
On Love and Loving
For some strange reason I really enjoy watching celebrity weddings on TV. On TV tonight is the John Estrada - Priscilla Meirelles wedding, which I like because one, they're a Filipino celebrity couple, two, its a destination wedding, and three, its really, really cheesy.
I guess even though I really will not admit this in real life, I really am a girl and I like cheesy things. I used to think being cheesy is a weakness, and to admit that I need love is a weakness. I realize this now and I figured, maybe its time for a paradigm shift. Maybe accepting that I need love will lead love to me.
I always thought that when I don't ask for things, it'll come to me. Maybe this time around, I should admit that I need it, but not to the extent of looking desperate, of course. The more open I am, the more it'll come to me, right?
Plus maybe, I am partially over him, because now the thought of love no longer brings out bitterness in me. Them bitterness was what was was killing me, it kept bringing me back to that very painful moment. Letting go of it means me really starting over and me learning to forgive and trust men again. More than any other time in my life, I feel like now I'm ready to love and be loved, and it feels really, really great.
I guess even though I really will not admit this in real life, I really am a girl and I like cheesy things. I used to think being cheesy is a weakness, and to admit that I need love is a weakness. I realize this now and I figured, maybe its time for a paradigm shift. Maybe accepting that I need love will lead love to me.
I always thought that when I don't ask for things, it'll come to me. Maybe this time around, I should admit that I need it, but not to the extent of looking desperate, of course. The more open I am, the more it'll come to me, right?
Plus maybe, I am partially over him, because now the thought of love no longer brings out bitterness in me. Them bitterness was what was was killing me, it kept bringing me back to that very painful moment. Letting go of it means me really starting over and me learning to forgive and trust men again. More than any other time in my life, I feel like now I'm ready to love and be loved, and it feels really, really great.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Missing Mama
The thing about this thing that I just joined is that its forcing me to unearth things that I have still not resolved. When they asked for photos, I had to dig up old photos of me and my mom, and of when she died. Now they're asking for videos, and here I am, watching old videos of our family, and videos of the days before she passed away.
Five CDs worth of videos of my mom made me cry non stop. And I'm still crying now. My eyes are all swollen and red, and I can no longer breathe. I don't remember crying this much since 2008, when Yaya died.
It was heartwarming to see my mom alive on video, like she was just in the next room. But when I see myself in the video, I am brought back to the present because I looked like a different person then. It was a different me talking, a younger, less jaded me. Our family looked sad because we knew what was happening, and yet we were all trying to keep things light for the video. 5 years after, I now see those details.
I miss my mom terribly. Its not an emotion I can describe fully, because words will not do justice. Its like missing a part of yourself, and having a big hole in the middle of your heart which you know nobody can ever fill. Family does not feel like family anymore because the heart is missing.
Maybe I really wasn't ready for her to leave, that's why I'm having such a hard time now. I was just 18 then, just on the outskirts of womanhood, and suddenly without guidance to the ways of the world. I was 12 when that whole thing started, which rendered my whole teenage experience as unusual. I was about to start my life then, when my mom's life ended.
I would give anything just for one hug from her right about now. One hug to tell me that I'm doing fine and things will be okay. Its such a simple thing for other people, but sadly, its the one thing I know I couldn't have.
Five CDs worth of videos of my mom made me cry non stop. And I'm still crying now. My eyes are all swollen and red, and I can no longer breathe. I don't remember crying this much since 2008, when Yaya died.
It was heartwarming to see my mom alive on video, like she was just in the next room. But when I see myself in the video, I am brought back to the present because I looked like a different person then. It was a different me talking, a younger, less jaded me. Our family looked sad because we knew what was happening, and yet we were all trying to keep things light for the video. 5 years after, I now see those details.
I miss my mom terribly. Its not an emotion I can describe fully, because words will not do justice. Its like missing a part of yourself, and having a big hole in the middle of your heart which you know nobody can ever fill. Family does not feel like family anymore because the heart is missing.
Maybe I really wasn't ready for her to leave, that's why I'm having such a hard time now. I was just 18 then, just on the outskirts of womanhood, and suddenly without guidance to the ways of the world. I was 12 when that whole thing started, which rendered my whole teenage experience as unusual. I was about to start my life then, when my mom's life ended.
I would give anything just for one hug from her right about now. One hug to tell me that I'm doing fine and things will be okay. Its such a simple thing for other people, but sadly, its the one thing I know I couldn't have.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Tales of a Cynical Single
Valentines has got to be my least favorite holiday. Aside from the fact that its not really a holiday and we really have to go to work/school on that day, well, its a glaring reminder of the things that I know I don't have.
Bitterness aside, it commercializes something as pure as love itself. What's the need for one day wherein prices of flowers spike and restaurants are fully booked, when love can be celebrated everyday, as it ideally should be celebrated?
I've been celebrating S.A.D. (Single's Awareness Day) for 7 years now, and to tell you the truth, it has lost all its novelty. It feels more sad now, really, that after 7 years, I still haven't found someone. Last year was spent with a pseudo-date (It was the perfect date, mind you. We watched Rent, had dinner at this fancy restaurant, and had drinks at Cuisine. Too bad we had a major fight right after. And too bad he turned out to be a jerk in the end.), which sort of made me feel what it felt like to be part of the other side of the coin, for a change. This year, I will be on a real date. What it feels like, I don't know.
When you get older, things suddenly lose all its luster. When I was a kid, thoughts of love used to fill me with such excitement and anticipation. Now, it feel more like a chore. Heartbreaks do that to you, or it did this to me at least. It makes you stop thinking of rainbows and unicorns, and makes you think of the reality, of the fact that you just don't wanna grow old alone. Desperation sinks in, and in effect, more frogs are kissed, and the thought of settling with just some common person instead of Prince Charming becomes more and more appealing.
Don't get me wrong -- at the back of my mind, I still want my Prince Charming. I just know of the reality that not everyone finds her own Prince. Fairytales don't happen to everyone. In that event, well, a village commoner will have to do.
So tomorrow I'll be going out with him - the guy I've been seeing on and off and on and off again for the past X number of years. There hasn't been any spark, but who am I to ask for something as good as a spark? He's nice, stable, hardworking and he loves me (at least I think so.) That should be enough, right?
In the meantime, I posted this on twitter --
Bitterness aside, it commercializes something as pure as love itself. What's the need for one day wherein prices of flowers spike and restaurants are fully booked, when love can be celebrated everyday, as it ideally should be celebrated?
I've been celebrating S.A.D. (Single's Awareness Day) for 7 years now, and to tell you the truth, it has lost all its novelty. It feels more sad now, really, that after 7 years, I still haven't found someone. Last year was spent with a pseudo-date (It was the perfect date, mind you. We watched Rent, had dinner at this fancy restaurant, and had drinks at Cuisine. Too bad we had a major fight right after. And too bad he turned out to be a jerk in the end.), which sort of made me feel what it felt like to be part of the other side of the coin, for a change. This year, I will be on a real date. What it feels like, I don't know.
When you get older, things suddenly lose all its luster. When I was a kid, thoughts of love used to fill me with such excitement and anticipation. Now, it feel more like a chore. Heartbreaks do that to you, or it did this to me at least. It makes you stop thinking of rainbows and unicorns, and makes you think of the reality, of the fact that you just don't wanna grow old alone. Desperation sinks in, and in effect, more frogs are kissed, and the thought of settling with just some common person instead of Prince Charming becomes more and more appealing.
Don't get me wrong -- at the back of my mind, I still want my Prince Charming. I just know of the reality that not everyone finds her own Prince. Fairytales don't happen to everyone. In that event, well, a village commoner will have to do.
So tomorrow I'll be going out with him - the guy I've been seeing on and off and on and off again for the past X number of years. There hasn't been any spark, but who am I to ask for something as good as a spark? He's nice, stable, hardworking and he loves me (at least I think so.) That should be enough, right?
In the meantime, I posted this on twitter --
I don't care if I'm single this Valentines. I know my friends love me, and I love them back. :)
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