You and Me Could Write A Bad Romance

Tonight I have this sudden urge to talk about love. I don't know why; heck, I don't even know what to say. Anyway, I'll let my fingers do the talking.

I'm 23 years old, and surprising as it may seem, I've only experienced (what I think is) love just recently. Contrary to popular belief, I don't like dating and I don't like having to present myself differently, more often better than I really am, to someone that I've only met just recently. From that alone, you can deduce that fine, I'm not your typical 23 year old female. I don't like playing the game. Period.

And yet, just recently (like, a little more than a year ago), I experienced my first taste of what you can call love. (I don't even wanna call it that, but since it fit the definition, well yeah, let's call it that.) It was great at first, like we couldn't get enough of each other. Little pet names, all day YM conversations, all day text messages, calls at the end of the night and at the start of each day, breakfasts, lunches, and dinners everywhere... name it, we did it. And so I was not able to keep myself from falling. Hard. My inexperienced heart was able to experience something that it has never felt before. Never before have I felt that special, that needed, that much like a girl.

A lot of things happened in between; a lot of drama, lots of tears, lots of conversations under the stars. (Yes, we were that mushy.) But like all great stories, things had to have a climax, a falling action, and an ending. The previous paragraph was the climax of it all. We are now at the denouement of the story, close to the end.

I've long accepted that whatever we had was already ending. I guess what hurts the most and what brings me to tears now, is not how he has hurt me, but how I am now just a story for him to tell his friends and his future (dare I say it,) lovers. I am now a "what used to be," a relic from his past, and yet here I am, still wanting him to be part of my present.

Yes, I am better off without him. I am better off without all that emotional turmoil, all that drama in my life. My mind is set with that fact, but my heart.. well. yeah. It's not that easy. I loved him, really. I loved him to the point that I stopped existing for myself, I forgot who I was, my friends, and even my family, just so I could cater to all his wishes. Heck, I loved him to the point of self mutilation.

And yet my heart remains resilient, even if I don't want it to be.

Not Like the Movies

Today I had one my cheesiest days ever. It involved good company, perfect weather, and a very poetic location. All of a sudden, I found myself barefoot on a little patch of grass in Luneta, facing direction where the wind was coming from, feeling the wind on my face. I look to my left and there he was too, doing the same thing.

I bought bubbles, he bought a kite. We were trying (to no avail) to fly that Dora the Explorer kite, which we eventually left to the kids there to play with. It felt like a movie, really; like it was too good to be true, which of course, it was.

If only everyday was like that -- sunny, windy, playful and happy. But no, tomorrow I return to the grey and cold world of the employed; back to the excel sheets that I've been slaving for, to the phone calls that have to be made, to the reports that have to be submitted.

In the same way, I go back to the world where you and I are just.. that. Mere acquaintances that talk a lot. When we parted ways tonight, the world that we have created for ourselves today also ended, to be replaced by the old, very detached us. Sometimes I wonder which is real, because we play our parts very well, both when we're together and when we're not.

Journals and Journal Entries (part 1)

Journals. I've had them since 5th grade, and I have no plans of stopping.

This afternoon I unearthed one of my journals inside camp. In the spirit of honesty, I'm gonna admit and say that I had two journals there -- one with all the workouts and the wholesome stuff, and one with the things I couldn't say out loud.

This was one of my entries in the wholesome journal. I'm glad to know it was still me writing, as it was already my 47th day inside camp when I wrote this.

July 27, 2011, Wednesday
BL Day 47


Very, very lazy day today. Been raining hard since yesterday. Went for a rainy afternoon powerwalk with Ryan. Yun lang workout ko. Haha. Had Coach Ching in the evening. 


Temptation today too. Ate 2 small bowls of lugaw and 2 small bowls of champorado so that I could be with Francis for the last chance workout. No regrets, the food was very, very yummy! And this week, I promised myself I'd enjoy everything. Go with the flow. Back to the old Leigh. This might be my last week here so might as well enjoy, right? 


Weird. I'm probably the only person here that doesn't want to bring this til the end. I'm cringing at how much pressure I'd have to endure just to get to that level. I don't think I'm cut out for it. I do have moments wherein I think I want to bring this til the end. I think I now can, especially that my body's cooperating with me in terms of weight loss. The thing is, do I want it? See, that's why my mentality now is just to enjoy every second, minute and hour that I am here.


Quoting from Rent --


There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other hope, no other way
No day but today. 

Funny that I already had a feeling that this would be my last week inside camp. :) After this week was a whirlwind of activities, of things to talk about, of bonding and bashing moments, of crazy imma-beat-the-shit out of that person anger, of kilig moments and stories, and definitely of tons and tons of laughter (care of Joy, Destiny, Win and I, of course.)

Let's see. I might post some other entries soon. :)

Holy Week 2012

Holy Week found me alone at home this year. My dad was in Cebu (on a roadtrip, if I may add), and my sister was locked up in her room with her boyfriend, which meant I wouldn't be seeing her at all. This being the quietest time in the city, I ended up inviting Hazel, Raffy and Joy for a sleepover.

After the usual sleepover activities, I brought them to my Holy Week thing -- the Stations of the Cross at Bonifacio High Street. I had previously written about it here, and because I was so touched by it, it has become a yearly thing for me.

With Raffy and Hazel, Station 1

Station 6 - The Cross

The prayer of the person I was supposed to pray for

What I was thankful for.

What everyone else was thankful for.

 I still love this whole tradition, but I need to remind myself to go there at night or early in the morning. The number of people there was a bit distracting, it ruined the solemnity of it all. Sad to say, I wasn't able to really feel it as much as I was able to the year before.

Good Friday, we jumped on a bus to Pampanga, where we visited the Razons and watched the Good Friday festivities. One of the things Pampanga is known for is their celebration of Good Friday. In a handful of barangays in San Fernando, people have been known to re-enact Christ's suffering up until his crucifixion.

The flagellants starting very early in the morning

Walking with a bloody back under the mid-day sun.

  

People in the streets, waiting for the bearer of the cross.

Re-enactment of the carrying of the cross.

This is definitely not for everyone -- blood spatter was everywhere! The cars and the people around all had blood on them because of all the flagellation. It was a bit violent too. Part of the tradition was having the people kick around the guy carrying the cross. It took me a while to understand what they were doing. While from afar it seemed like part of the story they were trying to portray, being in the midst of the people doing the kicking made me think of other ideas.

Unfortunately, we weren't able to see the crucifixion anymore. It was too hot and too crowded, and we had seen enough blood and gore for one morning. :)

Happy 1st Anniversary, BLPE! :)

This time I was last year, I was welcomed back by my dad who was surprised I was back home so soon. April 14, 2011 was the day we all had our first semi - taste of the camp's brutal workouts and challenges. Destiny, Andy, Kuya Larry and I had to fight it out, as to which of us will be able to officially join the other 12 contestants of the Biggest Loser Pinoy Edition. Unfortunately, Andy and I didn't make it. While they were already inside camp at this time, meeting the coaches and everyone else, Andy and I were on our way home, figuring out how to explain to everyone why we were back so soon.

Ahhhh. How time flies. It's always so nice to reminisce about good memories. :)

The BL tarp in front of the PBB house

So anyway, because yesterday was our anniversary, we spent it working out. (How fitting, I know.) Not like we don't do that often enough, but yesterday, we worked out wearing our BL uniforms. It was like a celebration of some sorts. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually miss wearing my fuschia pink shirt. Whoever made the decision to give me fuschia pink.. THANK YOU. Hahaha. :)

Side planks -- something I've never been able to do inside camp.

The Spider Crawl, from Kuya Alan's list of workouts.

Standing L-R: Leigh, Hazel, Joy
Sitting: Ryan, Raffy

It's been quite a while since we last all got to hang out. After all, it's not easy, because most of us have gone back to our old lives and are busy with so many things. Plus, a lot of us aren't Manila-based, so seeing each other is really a hard feat. But I hope we get to all see each other soon. With everything we've gone through together, it's already like family. :)

Dancing the Day Away

Dancing has always been something I've always wanted to do, but no one seemed to believe I could do. (Hahaha. I'm not kidding! I used to always get the "Yeeeaaaah. Suuuureeee." look whenever I'd tell them this story.) I used to do it as a kid; summer vacations in Villamor were all about dancing and performing. Three summers worth of ballroom dancing did it for me, I was bitten by the dancing bug.

But then I gained lots of weight. Yada, yada yada. You know the story. It was one of those things I stopped doing because one, I couldn't physically do it anymore, and two, I got conscious all of a sudden. Blame it on puberty, I guess. Puberty coupled with weight gain.. Yeah. I stopped.

So when my friend Viva asked me if I wanted to try out Pole Dancing, of course I said yes. :)

But that's not what happened.

We couldn't really find the right schedule for a Pole Dancing class, so we ended up spending the day at Movement Dance Studios, in Ortigas. For Php 600, you can spend the day there and join all the classes they had for the day. We tried out Zumba, Diva Hiphop and Vegas Striptease... all in three hours. Yes, three dance classes with no rest in between. Hahaha. We're crazy.

With Russel, an old officemate who turned out to be our Diva Hiphop instructor

After our marathon dance classes, with Kate and Viva

I had previously tried out Zumba with the 30 minute circuit training at Curves Serendra. That was Zumba with a circuit, so I didn't really get to feel what Zumba was really about. The class felt very reminiscent of the Body Jam classes I do at Fitness First, but with a Latin twist.

Diva Hiphop was more to my liking, and that's not just because the instructor turned out to be one of my friends. Hahaha. It wasn't your typical hiphop class -- it was more of a Beyonce, Kesha and Nicki Minaj inspired dance class, with a lot of hairography and flirty steps.

Vegas Striptease was definitely a guilty pleasure. Where else can you dance to "Careless Whisper" with a straight face? Yeah. I think you get what I mean. The steps were definitely racy and sexy, with lots of hip movements that got my hips aching now. Whereas the two other dance classes were more of cardio, Vegas Striptease was more for toning. Lots of lunges, squats and sucking in of the abs for the core.

They also have ballet, hiphop, belly dancing and sexy jazz classes, which I want to try out next. Sexy jazz is supposed to be just like the dances they do in the movie "Burlesque." Of course, Pole Dancing is still something I'd like to try. :)


Movement Dance Studios
28F Unionbank Plaza, Meralco Ave., Ortigas Center, Pasig
http://movementdancestudios.com

On Getting Back on Track

It's been around 5 months since the show the changed my life ended, and I must say it was not an easy road from there. Fitness in general is something that I've always struggled with, as I'm sure most people experience as well. I can't even begin to describe how tempting the real world is again, when it comes to food, and most especially lifestyle. It's very easy to get sidetracked, and sad to say, it sort of happened to me in the past 5 months, especially with the things I had to go through emotionally.

That being said, well, I'm happy to say that I'm back on track. Yay! I've started with a new diet, keeping in mind the things I've learned inside the Biggest Loser Camp with the help of our resident nutritionist, Ms. Nadine Tengco. My goal now is to normalize my diet, and to always choose the healthier option. Lately I've been cooking my own food at home, and really trying to avoid the really bad stuff. :)

In terms of workout, now that things have gone back to normal, it has been more of a steady thing for me. I go to Fitness First almost daily, and I do crossfit with WOD Nation. I also try out new workouts which I promise to write about in succeeding entries. :) Running is also something that I do with my BL friends whenever I can.

Now that the show's over, I guess the biggest challenge is really how to bring the new me into the old lifestyle. How do I continue to diet when I start working? How would I find time to workout when I start being busy again? These are the things that I've been trying to transition to now.

I've always said that I never wanted to be skinny. That's really just not me. I just want to be a healthier person, someone will never say no to a challenge, and someone strong enough to do the things I never used to be able to do at 235 lbs. :)