The thing about this thing that I just joined is that its forcing me to unearth things that I have still not resolved. When they asked for photos, I had to dig up old photos of me and my mom, and of when she died. Now they're asking for videos, and here I am, watching old videos of our family, and videos of the days before she passed away.
Five CDs worth of videos of my mom made me cry non stop. And I'm still crying now. My eyes are all swollen and red, and I can no longer breathe. I don't remember crying this much since 2008, when Yaya died.
It was heartwarming to see my mom alive on video, like she was just in the next room. But when I see myself in the video, I am brought back to the present because I looked like a different person then. It was a different me talking, a younger, less jaded me. Our family looked sad because we knew what was happening, and yet we were all trying to keep things light for the video. 5 years after, I now see those details.
I miss my mom terribly. Its not an emotion I can describe fully, because words will not do justice. Its like missing a part of yourself, and having a big hole in the middle of your heart which you know nobody can ever fill. Family does not feel like family anymore because the heart is missing.
Maybe I really wasn't ready for her to leave, that's why I'm having such a hard time now. I was just 18 then, just on the outskirts of womanhood, and suddenly without guidance to the ways of the world. I was 12 when that whole thing started, which rendered my whole teenage experience as unusual. I was about to start my life then, when my mom's life ended.
I would give anything just for one hug from her right about now. One hug to tell me that I'm doing fine and things will be okay. Its such a simple thing for other people, but sadly, its the one thing I know I couldn't have.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Tales of a Cynical Single
Valentines has got to be my least favorite holiday. Aside from the fact that its not really a holiday and we really have to go to work/school on that day, well, its a glaring reminder of the things that I know I don't have.
Bitterness aside, it commercializes something as pure as love itself. What's the need for one day wherein prices of flowers spike and restaurants are fully booked, when love can be celebrated everyday, as it ideally should be celebrated?
I've been celebrating S.A.D. (Single's Awareness Day) for 7 years now, and to tell you the truth, it has lost all its novelty. It feels more sad now, really, that after 7 years, I still haven't found someone. Last year was spent with a pseudo-date (It was the perfect date, mind you. We watched Rent, had dinner at this fancy restaurant, and had drinks at Cuisine. Too bad we had a major fight right after. And too bad he turned out to be a jerk in the end.), which sort of made me feel what it felt like to be part of the other side of the coin, for a change. This year, I will be on a real date. What it feels like, I don't know.
When you get older, things suddenly lose all its luster. When I was a kid, thoughts of love used to fill me with such excitement and anticipation. Now, it feel more like a chore. Heartbreaks do that to you, or it did this to me at least. It makes you stop thinking of rainbows and unicorns, and makes you think of the reality, of the fact that you just don't wanna grow old alone. Desperation sinks in, and in effect, more frogs are kissed, and the thought of settling with just some common person instead of Prince Charming becomes more and more appealing.
Don't get me wrong -- at the back of my mind, I still want my Prince Charming. I just know of the reality that not everyone finds her own Prince. Fairytales don't happen to everyone. In that event, well, a village commoner will have to do.
So tomorrow I'll be going out with him - the guy I've been seeing on and off and on and off again for the past X number of years. There hasn't been any spark, but who am I to ask for something as good as a spark? He's nice, stable, hardworking and he loves me (at least I think so.) That should be enough, right?
In the meantime, I posted this on twitter --
Bitterness aside, it commercializes something as pure as love itself. What's the need for one day wherein prices of flowers spike and restaurants are fully booked, when love can be celebrated everyday, as it ideally should be celebrated?
I've been celebrating S.A.D. (Single's Awareness Day) for 7 years now, and to tell you the truth, it has lost all its novelty. It feels more sad now, really, that after 7 years, I still haven't found someone. Last year was spent with a pseudo-date (It was the perfect date, mind you. We watched Rent, had dinner at this fancy restaurant, and had drinks at Cuisine. Too bad we had a major fight right after. And too bad he turned out to be a jerk in the end.), which sort of made me feel what it felt like to be part of the other side of the coin, for a change. This year, I will be on a real date. What it feels like, I don't know.
When you get older, things suddenly lose all its luster. When I was a kid, thoughts of love used to fill me with such excitement and anticipation. Now, it feel more like a chore. Heartbreaks do that to you, or it did this to me at least. It makes you stop thinking of rainbows and unicorns, and makes you think of the reality, of the fact that you just don't wanna grow old alone. Desperation sinks in, and in effect, more frogs are kissed, and the thought of settling with just some common person instead of Prince Charming becomes more and more appealing.
Don't get me wrong -- at the back of my mind, I still want my Prince Charming. I just know of the reality that not everyone finds her own Prince. Fairytales don't happen to everyone. In that event, well, a village commoner will have to do.
So tomorrow I'll be going out with him - the guy I've been seeing on and off and on and off again for the past X number of years. There hasn't been any spark, but who am I to ask for something as good as a spark? He's nice, stable, hardworking and he loves me (at least I think so.) That should be enough, right?
In the meantime, I posted this on twitter --
I don't care if I'm single this Valentines. I know my friends love me, and I love them back. :)
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