Thank you, 2011!

I'm sitting outside the house, just before 12am, and already, my car alarm is going off because of the firecrackers. The neighbor is blasting "Sweet Child of Mine" (Bon Jovi version, of course) in an attempt to make noise in our otherwise boring street. I'm not a New Year person because I always get emo, but surprise, surprise, I'm wearing a dotted top just for the occasion. And hey, I cooked for the family!

I've been very nostalgic these past few days because 2011 is coming to an end. 2011 for me was a milestone year. Definitely one for the books, one that I can tell all my grandkids about. It was MY year, and I am confidently owning it as one of the best years of my 25 year existence.

In 2011, I traveled, I lost a job, bummed around, became a reality show contestant, met my ultimate super idol Sharon Cuneta, met a group of people I will never forget ever, lived away from home and basically grew up. In that order.

Bacolod, January 2011

TELUS TA Despedida, March 2011

The Goodbye Leigh Wall


The Biggest Loser Pinoy Edition, May - October 2011

Ate Sharon! :)

Cebu, August - September 2011

Singapore, October 2011

There you go, 2011 in photos. Despite all this, I'm forever indebted to my family and friends for sticking by my throughout this year. It was a rollercoaster ride, admittedly. And never did I feel alone or lonely going through my journey. Thank you for understanding, and thank you for being there. :) I'm truly blessed already having wonderful people in my life, and having met more of them in 2011.

So there you go, 45 minutes to go until the world (at least Manila) becomes officially noisy. I think I'll have to go inside now to heat up the food.

Cheers to 2011, a wonderful year that was! (And crossing my fingers that 2012 will just be as awesome!)

Merry Christmas, Darlings.

Christmas has always been a bittersweet occasion in our household. Three adults with no mother.. well, you get the picture. People have said that Christmas is for children, and for a household with no children, obviously Christmas is just another day that we get to eat a real meal for midnight snack. :)

Now more than ever, because I am technically unemployed, the Christmas spirit was hard to come by. I couldn't buy gifts, I couldn't really shop, I couldn't celebrate the way I wanted to -- you get the picture. Last year's Christmas was full of parties and celebrations. This year's was like.. really not like last year. (duh)

Long story short, I ended up just giving gifts to my family, gifts that I really made an effort to do. Since I'm the resident photographer and photo archive person of the family, I took it upon myself to give them something of that nature.

So I made photo panels of each of us. Papa's was s lot special because it had old photos of him which he's always wanted to preserve. He's had a very unique and colorful career in the Air Force, and it deserved and still deserves to be chronicled. It was a challenge fixing the photos, but it was all worth it. :) I wish I had the patience to fix all of his photos one buy one though. Other photos can be found here.

Anyway, these will be displayed somewhere in our house. Will post photos when I finally find a spot for them. :)

I guess one of the great things 2011 has taught me is appreciation for family. I'm no longer afraid of treating them special, of really caring for the things they care about, even if it takes so much effort. Most of all, I'm no longer afraid of giving them hugs and telling them I love them. For me, that's what Christmas is about -- making other people feel that they are loved.

On that note, Merry Christmas everybody! :) May you and your family be blessed with more of everything happy! xoxo

Nourishing the Soul :)

So, its been a while since I last posted. Sorry. :( The last few weeks have been very chaotic and I feel like I've gone everywhere. Just today for example - I started the day off in Cubao, then went to Divisoria for 2 hours, Makati for something, then I went to Pasig to visit my sister in the hospital. Recently my days have been that hectic, that the thing that I want most now is just a day in bed.

Truth be told, happy thoughts are hard to come by when you're just so damn tired. And stressed. And confused. Its not just the tiredness that's getting to me, but the chaos of it all too. Seems like nothing is going according to plan, and nothing is going smoothly. The easiest thing for me to do now is to be catty, harsh and sarcastic, even when I don't want to. I'm so caught up in the thought of earning more and more money for the things that I need to spend for, that I actually forgot that its December, and that Christmas is just 16 days away.

Yes, and see, I haven't even thought of what presents I'm going to give away this year. That's how stressed I've been. But then a couple days ago I got a reminder to not be selfish, especially this season.

Derek Ramsay's birthday build with Habitat for Humanity
6 December 2011, Navotas

National Bookstore's Project Aklat

First, Derek invited us BL contestants to his Habitat for Humanity birthday build in Navotas. The next day, I went into National Bookstore and got offered the opportunity of donating books to less fortunate children, which of course, I did. I donated the book entitled "Imbisibol Man ang Tatay," which was the story of a little kid whose dad was an OFW. How sad and touching, right? This cause was particularly special to me because as a kid, reading gave me so much entertainment and has taught me so much -- from conversational English to life lessons. I'd like other children to have the same opportunity too.

I miss being this kind of person -- someone who is a person for others. This is a very Atenean trait, I'd like to believe. No matter how much time you spend feeding your physical self with money and other things, your soul will still need some nourishment.

For more info about these two causes, check out these links:
Habitat for Humanity Philippines
National Bookstore's Project Aklat

Working Girls in Camarines Sur

So Joy and I just back from Camarines Sur from a week long stint working for the events organizer handling the Ad Congress.

For those who have no idea what the Ad Congress is, well, its an event where all the advertising people get together and mingle, network and share what's new in the business. This year's theme was "Change the Game," taken very literally with it being brought to the Camsur Watersports Complex (CWC).Joy and I went as laborers (haha), if you may call it that. It was back to the workforce for us, our first non-BL related gig. The work was not at all glamorous, but very rewarding in the end. We got to meet new people, and we got to enjoy the ad congress itself. Well, half of it, since we missed out on the talks which I was super disappointed about. We got to attend most of the parties anyway, which kinda made up for the stuff that we missed.

The famous Laing Pizza

Php 230, CWC Clubhouse

We also got to meet up with Kuya Larry, who was like everyone's friend in Naga. Seriously, everyone is either his old classmate, neighbor, workmate, etc. Hahaha. :) We even got to meet Naga City's Mayor Bongat when he brought us out to dinner.

Home cooked Bicolano specialties, from Kuya Larry
Abo fish, Bicol Express and Laing

One thing I wanted to do in CWC though was to wakeboard. I was psyching myself to finally do it on our spare time, but unfortunately, we didn't have enough time. :c It has been a frustration of mine; the last time I tried, well, the velcro knee straps wouldn't fit my thighs so I didn't go through with it. Oh well, there's always next time. :)

From Singapura with Love

I have this running joke with my friends that the only way they could get me to go with them on any trip was to kidnap me. Not that I don't like to travel because I really, really do, but my schedule is always very hectic that I can't find the heart to book myself a trip. So anyway, a month before I went into the Biggest Loser camp, my friends booked me a flight to Singapore with them.

Of course I sort of forgot about it, with all the hoopla I was in from June until October. One day I just woke up and remembered that I had a trip to Singapore soon. What made it worse was literally a couple of days before the trip, I was still in the hospital because of dengue. Stress.

Long story short, I was still able to go and had so much fun with friends!

28 October 2011 The Esplanade
Leigh, Jho, Vany - Blockmates who found each other in SG on the same weekend :)

29 October 2011 Marina Bay Sands
With Allan, travel buddy for the weekend

29 October 2011 Clark Quay Halloween
Allan, Jho, Captain Jack Sparrow, Gambit and me

30 October 2011 Universal Studios Singapore

Traveling is a whole new experience for me now. No more panting and complaining (at least not much) about the amount of walking that I have to do. Commuting is a lot easier, and climbing up stairs is now a piece of cake. Suffice it to say, I enjoyed the experience now of being able to immerse myself in the city more since I can do so many things better. Plus, shopping is more fun, now that I don't have to deal with rude sales people who insist that I don't know my size. Hahaha. Well, that's another story.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to my next trip. My BL friends and I are thinking of going to Boracay and/or Palawan sometime soon. Cross your fingers, let's all hope it pushes through!

On Giving Back

Almost a month after the whole Biggest Loser stint, and I can say that I'm sort of back to my old life. The hype has almost died down (well, for me at least) and the people around me are back to their usual normal busy selves.

And now, being alone in this particular Starbucks branch, watching Coach Jim with his Milo Running Clinic students while writing, I am left thinking... so how do I continue with this fitness stint? How do I make sure I get to make sure I live up to people's expectations of my life outside the BL camp?

Admittedly, being in a weight loss related reality show is not easy. Aside from the physical, emotional and mental hardships, one thing that I had to go through was being judged by the people that get to watch us on television. Being "fitness advocates," (I still can't get used to the phrase,) people keep an eye on what we do and what we eat most especially. You can't believe how many times I've felt like I've had to explain to people why I eat, and that WE'RE ALLOWED TO EAT.

But more than anything else, more than being a fitness advocate, I'd like to be someone who speaks up in behalf of all the obese and overweight people in the Philippines. Despite all the comments of people, it still warms my heart reading messages from people with the same problem as I do. All along I thought I was alone in this boat. Apparently not. And now that I'm in the position to... I don't know, whatever position this is, well, I feel like I need to speak up about how big girls can be beautiful and fabulous too. And being fat doesn't mean we're slobs. We're people too, and we just like to eat. :)

And so Joy and I will be doing something in the near future. Watch out for it. :)

From Neverland and Back

So, this must be how Wendy and her other siblings felt when she got back from Neverland.

What do you do when the greatest adventure of your life (so far) is over? Do you go back to your old life, or do you continue looking for things outside of your comfort zone? Do you go look for another adventure, or do you sit back and wait for something to come up?

Unfortunately, only 15 other people can relate to whatever this is I'm going through.

Separation anxiety? Maybe.

Diet Diaries: Week 1

The coming weeks will no doubt be one of those times in my life that I will remember for the rest of my life. The succeeding blog entries will be about my journey to losing weight and to living a healthier life. :)

I'm in a situation where in failure is not an option. I have to lose weight because the pressure of the whole Philippines is on my shoulders. That's all I can say right about now.

This week has been perhaps one of the most challenging weeks I've ever had. Everything's starting to change again, and I'm caught in between excitement and fear. I'm scared because I don't know what's ahead of me, what and how much I'll have to do, and how much pain I'm gonna have to endure. I'm excited for the outcome, of course.

I had a very intense workout from Tuesday to Saturday (May 3 - 7) this week. That's 5 days of me working out 6 hours a day. Add to that the 2 hours I spent working out on Monday... well, that's why I haven't been going out recently. All I do now is go to the gym, and go home and sleep. My body really isn't ready for that kind of physical activity, and for me to go out, well, I just physically couldn't anymore. My whole body aches like hell, and to stand or go up the stairs makes me wince out of pain. My muscles are sore, but when I'm in the gym, I have to pretend that I'm okay so that I won't get labeled as someone who complains a lot.

Aside from that, my diet has also taken a 180 degree turn. I can no longer eat the things that I want to eat. Unhappy food, that's all I've been eating. Nothing fried, no meat, just fish, chicken, wheat bread, vegetables and fruits. That's it!

I understand that the first couple of weeks is always the hardest, so I'm glad I'm done with week one. I hope I start getting used to this kind of regimen at the soonest. :)

Weight loss as of May 6: 5.2 lbs

Day 7

Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

I am bored and lazy to write, so just read this. Apart from the fact that when I Googled "libra characteristics female," this was the first website that website that came up, well, its a very apt description of a Libra woman.

I am around 95% of the description in the link above. The only thing I didn't agree with was about Libra women being neat. I am not. Obviously.

Lenten Reflection

Today is Good Friday, a.k.a the most boring day of the year, for a non-practicing person like me. The Lenten season has no meaning for me, aside from the idea of it being two days of rest (yay!) But then since I'm unemployed (officially, I now am. My 30 day resignation notice expires today.) Maundy Thursday and Good Friday has considerably less meaning.

We were Catholic growing up, but even though we were Catholic, we were never the type to participate in Catholic traditions. My parents chose to honor the Holy Week at home, doing nothing. Now that we're no longer Catholic, well, the Holy Week and Lent have less of a significance.

Don't get me wrong - I believe in God and Jesus and everything else. Its just that personally, I prefer celebrating my faith in Him in my own way. I never really got the point of all the sacraments, rituals and symbols. I believe that everyone has their own unique way of professing faith, and ultimately, we are judged by what is in our hearts. People will disagree with me, but hey, to each his own. :)

Today my sister and I went to High Street to hangout (You'd be surprised at how many shops and restaurants are open!) and unexpectedly, we ended up doing the Stations of the Cross there. Papa and I did it last year, and it still had the same effect on me.


It was a very refreshing experience. We've all known the story of the Crucifixion since we were 6, thanks to the 13 years of Christian Living classes and 4 years of Theology in college, but have we ever stopped to think about how it connects to us, the people living now in 2011? In one fleeting moment, probably, yes. But most likely, its something we don't really think about. Heck, I'd rather think of my own (lack of) lovelife.

And so now, I'm in a reflecting mood, thus this blog entry. I hate to sound all preachy, but you know what, I have so many things to thank God for. Number one is a big thank you to God for allowing Jesus to die for humanity. Many people take their lives for granted, have little appreciation for themselves and are insecure. We forget to think of the fact that someone died for us to live. Someone loved me enough to endure all that pain and suffering. That in itself is a thought that should get us through all the 360+ days in a year. Jesus had trust in us that we could be better people, and maybe its time to prove him right.

I have so much more to thank God for, and if you know me well enough, you probably know what I'm pointing at. I think He deserves more from me, and this is my wake up call. :)

And oh, thank you to those that made the Stations of the Cross in High Street. I think its called Walkway: Reflections on the Stations of the Cross (yes, I did research!) Great initiative! :)

Word Vomit

I'll write in bullets because right now, writing a coherent blog entry is the last thing on my mind. I am writing for memory's sake, because I want to go back and read this and remember this time.

• Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I don't know how to feel. What used to be joy and anticipation, is now an emotion I could not describe.
  
• My mind is half preoccupied by the thoughts of him. Now that we're okay, and back to where we used to be, well, I don't want to leave his side. More thoughts in my mind, since I don't know what I'll be going back to. I'm still in limbo, but I'm happier. Is that even possible?
  
• What will I do if suddenly I don't make it to the actual thing?
• I'll miss my family. No matter how dysfunctional we are, I know missing them will be like having a body part missing.
• I'm scared I won't be myself after this.
• I want to remember Friday night - when he told me all those things. I know he loves me, and now I know it wasn't just me who was feeling that way. It was hard for him too, not having me there, in the same way that it was hard for me to leave his side. Apparently, we were sharing the same experiences unknowingly -- we were dreaming about each other, and we were both avoiding our old places/things. Two days isn't enough to compensate for the 4 months we were apart.
• I know, when I get back, he'll tell me the words I've been waiting for him to say.
  
• Thank you, God, for this opportunity. I don't know what I did for you to bless me like this, but thank you nevertheless. I will make you proud. I will make everyone proud. :)

On Love and Loving

For some strange reason I really enjoy watching celebrity weddings on TV. On TV tonight is the John Estrada - Priscilla Meirelles wedding, which I like because one, they're a Filipino celebrity couple, two, its a destination wedding, and three, its really, really cheesy.

I guess even though I really will not admit this in real life, I really am a girl and I like cheesy things. I used to think being cheesy is a weakness, and to admit that I need love is a weakness. I realize this now and I figured, maybe its time for a paradigm shift. Maybe accepting that I need love will lead love to me.

I always thought that when I don't ask for things, it'll come to me. Maybe this time around, I should admit that I need it, but not to the extent of looking desperate, of course. The more open I am, the more it'll come to me, right?

Plus maybe, I am partially over him, because now the thought of love no longer brings out bitterness in me. Them bitterness was what was was killing me, it kept bringing me back to that very painful moment. Letting go of it means me really starting over and me learning to forgive and trust men again. More than any other time in my life, I feel like now I'm ready to love and be loved, and it feels really, really great.

Missing Mama

The thing about this thing that I just joined is that its forcing me to unearth things that I have still not resolved. When they asked for photos, I had to dig up old photos of me and my mom, and of when she died. Now they're asking for videos, and here I am, watching old videos of our family, and videos of the days before she passed away.

Five CDs worth of videos of my mom made me cry non stop. And I'm still crying now. My eyes are all swollen and red, and I can no longer breathe. I don't remember crying this much since 2008, when Yaya died.

It was heartwarming to see my mom alive on video, like she was just in the next room. But when I see myself in the video, I am brought back to the present because I looked like a different person then. It was a different me talking, a younger, less jaded me. Our family looked sad because we knew what was happening, and yet we were all trying to keep things light for the video. 5 years after, I now see those details.

I miss my mom terribly. Its not an emotion I can describe fully, because words will not do justice. Its like missing a part of yourself, and having a big hole in the middle of your heart which you know nobody can ever fill. Family does not feel like family anymore because the heart is missing.

Maybe I really wasn't ready for her to leave, that's why I'm having such a hard time now. I was just 18 then, just on the outskirts of womanhood, and suddenly without guidance to the ways of the world. I was 12 when that whole thing started, which rendered my whole teenage experience as unusual. I was about to start my life then, when my mom's life ended.

I would give anything just for one hug from her right about now. One hug to tell me that I'm doing fine and things will be okay. Its such a simple thing for other people, but sadly, its the one thing I know I couldn't have.

Tales of a Cynical Single

Valentines has got to be my least favorite holiday. Aside from the fact that its not really a holiday and we really have to go to work/school on that day, well, its a glaring reminder of the things that I know I don't have.

Bitterness aside, it commercializes something as pure as love itself. What's the need for one day wherein prices of flowers spike and restaurants are fully booked, when love can be celebrated everyday, as it ideally should be celebrated?

I've been celebrating S.A.D. (Single's Awareness Day) for 7 years now, and to tell you the truth, it has lost all its novelty. It feels more sad now, really, that after 7 years, I still haven't found someone. Last year was spent with a pseudo-date (It was the perfect date, mind you. We watched Rent, had dinner at this fancy restaurant, and had drinks at Cuisine. Too bad we had a major fight right after. And too bad he turned out to be a jerk in the end.), which sort of made me feel what it felt like to be part of the other side of the coin, for a change. This year, I will be on a real date. What it feels like, I don't know.

When you get older, things suddenly lose all its luster. When I was a kid, thoughts of love used to fill me with such excitement and anticipation. Now, it feel more like a chore. Heartbreaks do that to you, or it did this to me at least. It makes you stop thinking of rainbows and unicorns, and makes you think of the reality, of the fact that you just don't wanna grow old alone. Desperation sinks in, and in effect, more frogs are kissed, and the thought of settling with just some common person instead of Prince Charming becomes more and more appealing.

Don't get me wrong -- at the back of my mind, I still want my Prince Charming. I just know of the reality that not everyone finds her own Prince. Fairytales don't happen to everyone. In that event, well, a village commoner will have to do.

So tomorrow I'll be going out with him - the guy I've been seeing on and off and on and off again for the past X number of years. There hasn't been any spark, but who am I to ask for something as good as a spark? He's nice, stable, hardworking and he loves me (at least I think so.) That should be enough, right?

In the meantime, I posted this on twitter --

I don't care if I'm single this Valentines. I know my friends love me, and I love them back. :)

Day 6

Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

I almost forgot about this. :) I'm not even sure I can reach 30.

1. I've been on TV a total of 9 times. That's whole 30 minute segments, not just flashes of me. Haha. If we include the glimpses of me, well, I'm up to 10. :)

2. All of my savings came from my game show winnings. That's because I don't know how to save with just my salary.

3. I've won a total of Php 140,000 from my game show stints. :)

4. I chose my course in college without any idea as to what it really was.

5. The only class I didn't maximize my cuts in was Philo 104 -- and that's because I had a crush on both my seatmates. :)

6. I have a planner collection. I've been using planners since first year college, and I haven't stopped since. I bring my planner everywhere. It has been to every place I've been to.

7. I know of three people named Leonila Villegas -- me, my lola, and some kid in Laguna who died. My friend saw and took a picture of the grave marker of a kid named Leonila Villegas.

8. I am afraid of boats and ships and all water vehicles. I blame the Philippine Navy/Coast Guard/whoever checks ships in the Philippines for this.

9. I spend my free time checking the rates for plane trips to wherever.

10. I've only started learning how to cook recently. In 2010, to be exact. I still don't cook regularly, but I can make food for myself if the situation calls for it.

11. I'm the most kaladkarin person I know. I rarely say No to anything.

12. Once I kidnapped a friend and brought him to Cebu. I just bought him a ticket without his knowledge, so he was sort of forced to go with me. Hahaha.

13. I have a dog named Pepito Nero, who thinks he's human.

14. I gained 40 pounds since I started working. That's in around 2 years.

15. I have a car named Krizzy (who has heard all the secrets of all my friends), a laptop named Spartaaaaah, and an Itouch named Mundae. My camera is named Kimi, and my lomo camera's name is Ivory. Suffice it to say, I name all my gadgets. :)

..okay. That's all I can do for now. :)

49 days.

People say it takes 21 days to form a habit. Well, if I follow that, then yes, I've formed the habit of not talking to him. 49 days. One day shy of 50.

It was a very, very, VERY, challenging 49 days. It was 49 days of me going crazy because I knew I was stopping myself from doing something I like doing, and 49 days of me pretending nothing's wrong while desperately looking for something to replace him with. It was 49 days of anger, sadness, melancholy, happiness, and withdrawal.

The 49 days ended because he talked to me yesterday. Yesterday when I realized I shouldn't be running away from him, he finally got a hold of me. When he did, I didn't want him to let go anymore, but I knew I should just walk away.

And so I did.

I walked away with my head held high, thinking to myself, "Fuck, I miss him. But I can't do this again."

It was the best 10 minutes in all those 49 days, but it needed to end there, and so it will end there. I left counting again, and today is again Day 1.