Word Vomit

I'll write in bullets because right now, writing a coherent blog entry is the last thing on my mind. I am writing for memory's sake, because I want to go back and read this and remember this time.

• Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I don't know how to feel. What used to be joy and anticipation, is now an emotion I could not describe.
  
• My mind is half preoccupied by the thoughts of him. Now that we're okay, and back to where we used to be, well, I don't want to leave his side. More thoughts in my mind, since I don't know what I'll be going back to. I'm still in limbo, but I'm happier. Is that even possible?
  
• What will I do if suddenly I don't make it to the actual thing?
• I'll miss my family. No matter how dysfunctional we are, I know missing them will be like having a body part missing.
• I'm scared I won't be myself after this.
• I want to remember Friday night - when he told me all those things. I know he loves me, and now I know it wasn't just me who was feeling that way. It was hard for him too, not having me there, in the same way that it was hard for me to leave his side. Apparently, we were sharing the same experiences unknowingly -- we were dreaming about each other, and we were both avoiding our old places/things. Two days isn't enough to compensate for the 4 months we were apart.
• I know, when I get back, he'll tell me the words I've been waiting for him to say.
  
• Thank you, God, for this opportunity. I don't know what I did for you to bless me like this, but thank you nevertheless. I will make you proud. I will make everyone proud. :)

On Love and Loving

For some strange reason I really enjoy watching celebrity weddings on TV. On TV tonight is the John Estrada - Priscilla Meirelles wedding, which I like because one, they're a Filipino celebrity couple, two, its a destination wedding, and three, its really, really cheesy.

I guess even though I really will not admit this in real life, I really am a girl and I like cheesy things. I used to think being cheesy is a weakness, and to admit that I need love is a weakness. I realize this now and I figured, maybe its time for a paradigm shift. Maybe accepting that I need love will lead love to me.

I always thought that when I don't ask for things, it'll come to me. Maybe this time around, I should admit that I need it, but not to the extent of looking desperate, of course. The more open I am, the more it'll come to me, right?

Plus maybe, I am partially over him, because now the thought of love no longer brings out bitterness in me. Them bitterness was what was was killing me, it kept bringing me back to that very painful moment. Letting go of it means me really starting over and me learning to forgive and trust men again. More than any other time in my life, I feel like now I'm ready to love and be loved, and it feels really, really great.